I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
