he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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