She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
