Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
