Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Someone came in the potted fern
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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