I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
