Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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