Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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