oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
