So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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