I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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