my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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