i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
