some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
