And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
