i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
