You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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