Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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