if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
