I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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