How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize