1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i don't like sucking hair
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
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