You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Little spoons don't ask big questions
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
