i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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