the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
So much rum. So many feels.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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