I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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