I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
