she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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