I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
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