if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
