dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
this beer tastes like vomit already
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize