Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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