afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
