I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
