I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize
