I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
i think my cat just said my name.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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