I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?