I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)