Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.