i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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