He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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