your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
