i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
