I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
