That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
