this beer tastes like vomit already
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
