Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
