Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
