you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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