I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
