when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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