Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
