The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Randomize
