Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
