Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
