the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
