The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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