Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
