haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
