It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
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I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
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Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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