apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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