At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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