i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
