Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
