What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
